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#2: Do it Anyway

January 12, 2010

All these things I feared would bruise him he caught with grace and ease Original Batik by Lisa Kattenbraker

There is a place in my gut, just about 3 inches behind and above my navel, that churns and flutters when I hear a good song. That's the feeling of anxiety that tells me it's been too long since I sat down to write, an envy that burns hot blue and lets me know I need to be doing something other than this survival thing I am doing right now, and I need to listen to my soul's hunger.

That is when I know I have a dream that is waiting to be followed, a drive that peels to be on the open road chasing down its muse.

I sat nursing my babies for four years with that engine revving inside me, wondering if I might ever be able to feed the hunger in my soul. Don’t get me wrong, having children has grounded me and filled me with such fullness that I never could’ve known otherwise, but still, there is a hunger. My dreams won’t let me be!

So now when I lie awake at night dreaming of how to accomplish everything I wish for, and wonder why the heck I am so passionate and driven about things that don’t have any guarantee of putting food on my family’s table, or anything to do with the laundry or the kids, I am very scared. I am scared of taking risks that to conventional wisdom are ridiculous and make no sense because they don’t seem to have anything to do with necessity.

And then a voice inside my head/heart says but did you know that music can save your life? Did you know that music can be a weapon? Did you know that a story can be powerful medicine?

” ‘Remember only this one thing’, said Badger. ‘The stories people tell have a way of taking care of them. If stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away when they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive. That is why we put these stories in each other’s memory. This is how people care for themselves.'” -Barry Lopez, Crow and Weasel.

So I write songs and poems. They wake me up and pull me over to the side of the road. I have to trust that there is a rhyme, if not a reason, for this, and carve out time to do it anyway.

This year I am dreaming big, thanks to a great x-mas present from the comet boy (who has been writing mondo beyondo lists with me for 5 years now, and his includes going to the moon, literally!). And listening to my dreams in a big intentional way.

How about you? What’s your do it anyway?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 12, 2010 6:58 pm

    Making art is vital to me as well. Often a song or story or painting can touch places a million words can never reach. Thanks for reminding us of that Heidi.

  2. January 12, 2010 7:39 pm

    The chinese fortune cookie I got at lunch told me to keep my plans secret for now… but I will be blogging.

  3. Kathy Stock permalink
    January 12, 2010 11:42 pm

    Love hearing about your music progress!
    Hi to Andy and the kids. Luca’s B-day is on my Luke’s B-day. : ) 27 for my baby! He too does music for a living.

  4. Judith aka juju permalink
    January 13, 2010 9:32 pm

    Get up and go to work only maybe 4 years till I retire and can do lots more volunteering and reading and writing and drawing and spending time with the greatest grand kids in the world. In the meantime do a little bit of creative stuff every day cause ya just never know!

  5. Erin Tenney permalink
    January 14, 2010 2:53 pm

    Heidi- YES to music, art and stories. I am recovering from this diseased thought process that made me think that “productive” (ie: making money)work is somehow more important that “non-productive” (ie: not making money). This was causing ugly undercurrents with the artists in my life (my mother, my partner). Thank goddess I’m recovering from that way of thinking- and realizing that it stemmed from my own frustration of not being able to do MY ART because I was so busy busting ass to make it as a single mom- working, going to school etc. I had no time for MAKING and I was pissed. AND characteristically un-self aware about it. I am so fortunate to have artists and storytellers in my life. And they are the ones who teach me the most, whom I admire and delight in and ultimately trust the most. You, they, WE are those who have our fingers on the pulses of life and appreciate the sublime.
    YES it is scary and YES it takes courage. You are one who has that courage Heidi. You are beautiful.

    So, my “do it anyway”?? Right now I am sitting in a call room in LaCrosse, WI waiting for mothers to come in to birth their babies. My son and loved ones are >300 miles away in Northern Wisconsin. I will go for 2-3 weeks at a time being away from home for the next 5 mos. This is what I have to do to follow MY DREAM of becomming a midwife. It is a challenge and it takes a shitload of courage. Every day I am living and working outside of my comfort zone. And it’s fabulous! Of course I miss home and everything about it, AND I am getting to know MYSELF again apart from all that I’ve grown and built in the last 10 years. I am coming back around to what I know to be true, and am challenged to evaluate things that I still need to learn about truth.
    I am so blessed. And so loved.
    Hugs to you dear friend, and here’s to all of us, who keep on going, moving in the direction of our dreams.

    PS- this is what we are teaching our children. That our dreams are IMPORTANT and to use our gifts is VITAL. We are teaching them about work and sacrifice and courage and vulnerability. This is all GOOD NEWS!!

    • aaron permalink
      January 15, 2010 5:23 pm

      Even before I read this blog the tag line alone urged me through some uncomfortable moments yesterday. Dreams weave their way through our days. Our attention to them seems to cause the thread to grow thicker. Well its off to the loom for me! And the moon for you! Thx for the inspiration.

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